In Love [2/24/2014]

I have fallen helplessly in love.

In love with the one who cares for me.

In love with the one who pursues me.

In love with the one who comforts me.

In love with the one who loved me first.

In January and half of February, I had become very busy with school, church, work and meeting people. I’m not sure if it’s normal or if it’s because I have a weak body, but by mid-February, I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I was at a point where I was so tired but incapable of falling asleep at night because of all the thoughts of different things happening in my life. On top of all this, I was supposed to leave for Toronto to spend another week filled with plans! Just the thought of it made my body feel weak.

I was to leave for Toronto on Friday February 14^th, but as I was flying standby, I wasn’t completely sure I would make it. I was at the gate at the airport when the desk agent told me I wouldn’t make it on the plane because it was full but that I could wait until the end of boarding just in case. Oh brother, I just wanted to leave so I could hop into bed and sleep for days… But I waited anyways.

Everybody had already boarded the plane and I was getting ready to leave when the lady called the entire standby up to the desk. We went up, expecting to be told we would have to go home tonight. Instead, she handed each of us a ticket. It turns out a party of three had checked into the airport but weren’t able to make it through security. I did feel bad for them… But I got on the plane! This has never happened to me in all of my years of flying standby. It was a miracle.

Finally, I arrived at the Toronto airport, but still had a long way to go. I had to take a couple of different busses before I would arrive at my final destination. The bus came once every hour, and I missed the bus by five minutes. Frustrated again, I called my Mom because I hadn’t had a chance to tell her I actually got on the plane. Of course she was shocked, but in a hurry she told me to hang up the phone and call my Dad. It turns out that he had arrived at the airport minutes after I did because the flight he was supposed to get on had been delayed by several hours! Lucky me. I got to see my Dad that night and his friend also gave me a ride instead of me having to bus. Imagine if I hadn’t missed that bus by 5 minutes!

This is how my trip began. In every moment, I felt as if God was watching over me and giving me opportunities to rest since he knew how tired I was. How thankful I was!

I was able to spend my Saturday at home with my cousins. I can’t remember what we did that day, but I’m pretty sure the majority of it was spent sleeping. Oh, and I wrote a song about how much I love Jesus. Heehee.

Then, on Sunday, it began. I started to feel sickness creeping into my body. It began with constant sneezing and sniffling. Then a headache. On Monday, it was exhaustion, a fever and nausea. Not just me, but my cousins as well! For two days, we just slept, woke up for an hour or so, and then slept again.

I’m sure most people would say, “Wow, that really sucks. Going to Toronto and being sick for the whole trip.” But I meant it when I say this. It was an amazing trip. I did feel terrible for having to cancel plans, but my body had been pleading for rest! After so long without proper sleep and rest, my body was ready for recovery. My sickness lasted until last night when my headache, nausea and fatigue finally left me. But I found that it was a blessing in disguise. Forced rest haha. I felt as if God was saying to me, “My daughter, lay down your head and rest. I am here with you.”

He not only showed me love through his silent whispers, but also through the people who took care of me. My cousins, aunt and uncle were so hospitable, so loving and so caring. The night when our fevers were the highest, I remember my aunt and uncle checking up on me every few hours to check my temperature and give me medication. I would check the time. 11pm, 2am, 5am. Then even in Ottawa, my beloved friends would check up on me to make sure I was okay. They would offer to be there if I ever needed anything. And although I was much better, it was still a comfort to know they were there.

Through all of these little moments and what seemed to be small acts of love, I saw God’s love and hand working in every moment and to conclude my whole week, I read the perfect chapter of a book called “Just Like Jesus” by Max Lucado.

It spoke of a constant communion with God - an awareness of his presence. For God is always with us. There are moments when he feels further away, but the reality of it is that he is never far from us. Everything we do, he is doing it with us. He never leaves us.

As I was reminded of this and challenged to partake in unceasing communion with him, I felt joy. Joy knowing that I am able to be able to have this intimate relationship with my creator.

So this is where I am now. I want to put 1 Thessalonians 5:17 into action. I want to “pray without ceasing” and aim to engage in constant communion with my Father who loves me. I hope to blog about some of the special moments and journeys we go through together, and I hope that you will join me in this. J

With love,

Kristen

To Know You More [11/26/13]

Heavenly Father, 

I want to know you more. I want to discover more of you - more of your character - that I may truly mean it when I say "I love you, Lord." I desire to fall deeply in love with you. I desire for you to be on my mind all day long, I wish to seek you in every waking moment and dream of you as I sleep. Reveal to me your character; help me get to know you! Father, show me who you are through scripture, through testimonies, through nature, through all of your creations. Show me, so that I can fall more and more in love with you with every passing day. 

In Your name, 

Amen. 

For the past couple of months, this has been my prayer. I want to know him more and more because as I do, I believe I will fall deeper in love with him and he will continue to surpass the limited human expectations I have placed on him. As I have been praying this prayer, he has truly been revealing himself to me. He has revealed many of his characteristics that I had previously heard of, but had not really known or understood.

Most recently, God revealed more of himself to me through the book of Deuteronomy. Specifically, through chapters 28 and 30 when Moses knows he is soon to be taken by the Lord and he speaks to the Israelites the commandments, blessings and curses. I encourage you to read them now :)

In chapter 28, what God showed me was his wrath against sin. Moses is speaking of what happens when the commands are obeyed and when they are disobeyed. First, the blessings are spoken of in the first 14 verses. But then, the curses are described from verse 15 to verse 68. The heavy emphasis of what happens to those who disobey the Lord stirred up a new fear in me as I sat in my bed reading. The wrath of God follows sin/the sinner everywhere it goes. Wherever you go, whatever you do, whatever you desire. Anything you take pleasure in or find joy in, will be taken away. As I read line after line, there was only one thought in my head: God hates sin. This passage is when the fear of the Lord began to make much more sense to me. But we'll get back to that later.

Now. Jumping to Deuteronomy 30, I found hope, and another characteristic of the Lord! Two chapters ago, Moses had been describing the blessings that will be given to those who obey, and the curses that fall open those who don't. But in chapter 30, he begins to describe what happens to those who return to the Lord!

Deuteronomy 30:1-4

And when all these things come upon you, the blessing and the curse,

which I have set before you, and you call them to mind among

all the nations where the Lord your God has driven you, 

and return to the Lord your God, you and your children, and obey

his voice in all that I command you today, with all your heart 

and all your soul,

then the Lord your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you,

and he will gather you again from all the peoples where

the Lord your God has scattered you.

If your outcasts are in the uttermost parts of heaven,

from there the Lord your God will gather you, and 

from there he will take you. 

Our God is a compassionate, forgiving and gracious God! For even those who have gone to the lowest of lows, who have strayed the furthest and who have hid the longest have still not gone low enough, far enough, or long enough to be out of God's reach. If, and when, we choose to return to the Lord, he receives us! He does not reject us and leave us, but accepts us and guides us back to the right path. For in verse 6 it says, "and the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your offspring, so that you will love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live."

He himself guides us because he desires for us to turn back to him. He desires for us to love him and trust in him! This desire is shown in verse 14 when it says, "But the word is very near you. It is in your mouth and in your heart, so that you can do it." This very verse is later quoted by Paul in Romans 10:8, but in it he weaves in the gift of the new covenant: Jesus Christ. If we believe in our hearts and confess with our mouths that Jesus Christ has risen from the dead, then we are saved! Just as Moses and Paul say, to be saved is not an impossible feat. In fact, God has made it very achievable for us because he loves us. He is such a merciful God.

He revealed so much of himself to me through these passages, and as I continued to research and seek, there was more that he revealed. The next thing he helped me to better understand was what it means to fear the Lord. This fear was explained through a sermon I was listening to that described it in a way that made it much clearer!

I'm going to paint a picture for you, so imagine it with me :)

You have some well-earned vacation time and you've gone on a trip to see Niagara Falls. It's your first time going and you're very, very excited as you have heard so much about it but never had the opportunity to witness the majestic beauty with your own two eyes. As you approach the waterfalls you can hear the water crashing down and you can't wait anymore, so you run to the railing! You stand on that little cement block the railing is built on and you lean slightly over the railing to get a better view of the breathtaking waterfalls. But suddenly, since you were so caught up in the moment, you realize you've leaned a little too far. You feel yourself losing balance and you know you're about to fall in. That's when the thought, "I'm about to die," jumps into your head. (If you've ever had a near-death incident, you know what I'm talking about.) But as soon as the thought crosses your mind, somebody grabs you and brings you back to safety. You grab on to them, but you haven't forgotten the sound of the crashing water, the feel of the cool wind on your face, the distance from the railing to the water. Your legs are still trembling and you still feel the fear from what almost happened even though you know you're safe. You grab onto the person who saved you and you never want to let them go.

This is what fearing the Lord is like. As sinners, we were destined for the wrath of God (remember the anger God has towards sin in Deuteronomy 28) - a life of misery and separation from the creator. But the Lord loves us and because of this love, he gave us the choice to choose life over death by accepting and believing in Jesus Christ. This is a gift that I have taken for granted... One that I want to appreciate more, and that has been another one of my prayers. I pray that God will allow me to realize what he saved me from! I believe that as I begin to see and realize what I was rescued from, I will love the Lord my God more and more.

Day by day, I learn more about the one who rescued me. I'm continuously learning and I'm excited to share with you what I'm learning :) Let's share together as we learn more and more about our creator! Don't be afraid to comment, message me, talk to me in person, or whatever method of communication you prefer.

Thanks for reading!

-kjoosaurus out!

The Lord is my shepherd [05/22/13]

Hello to my wonderful friends :)

I've received many encouraging words about this blog, and I want to thank you for the kind words you've spoken! I've found that I'm rather unskilled at expressing my gratitude to people, but in reality, I am actually extremely grateful! I really do thank God for using you to encourage and challenge me. I'm better at expressing myself through writing so FEEL MY LOVE AND THANKS! :D

I love the way God works. He is so detail-oriented, meticulous, mysterious and exciting! The way he plans things in his perfect timing is amazing and mind-blowing every time he reveals part of his plan to me.

Yesterday, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed... The very wrong side. You know those mornings when you just feel groggy and disoriented? That was my Tuesday morning. When I wake up like that, I dread the day ahead because I'm grumpy and lazy and sensitive and just a bunch of not so very good things. So there went wrong side of the bed Kristen, walking very slowly to meet her friend at Starbucks and secretly, but not so secretly, wishing she could stay in bed forever.

As I waited, I said to God, "Please give me the energy to get through the day. Please give me the motivation to stay out and not cancel all of my plans and go home to my really warm and cozy bed."

You know what's cool? When you can SEE God answering your prayers! God is very true to his words.

1 John 5:14
And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us.

Once I met up with my friend, we started talking about our faith. She's a brand new Christian friend I met in my Spanish class. She told me her testimony, about her life in Rwanda, about her many struggles with her family, about betrayals from the past and she just listed so many things she had gone through that I could never even imagine going through. Then, as she began to tell me about how Christ had saved her, I saw such pure and genuine love for God in her expressions and I could hear the thankfulness in her voice. I was so encouraged by her! Her ability to remain optimistic and hopeful in Christ when everybody else had hurt her and deserted her.

My day didn't end there either! Later on, I was walking along Mackenzie King bridge, and I made eye contact with the most beautiful pair of blue eyes I have seen. I've seen many beautiful blue eyes, but this pair was especially captivating. These eyes belonged to a homeless man sitting on the side, asking for spare change. Normally, I just say "sorry, I don't have any change" (which I don't) and then proceed with my day, but I just had to stop and talk to him. He told me about his day, about the "newbie" panhandlers, about how this was his spot and how he had to kick people out of his spot sometimes. It was a simple conversation, but he was just filled with so much joy and happiness! I had to run to catch my bus, but as I was leaving, he gave me an excellent handshake accompanied with an enormous smile and said, "My name is Frankie. It was really nice to meet you."

God really provides us with everything we need. Sometimes, I laugh at myself because I worry about the silliest things like having to deal with people in my disoriented state of mind. I laugh because I know I have an all-powerful God who is constantly providing for me and loving me, yet I still worry.

In John 14:27, Jesus says:
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

What Jesus has to offer us is beyond anything the world tries to offer us. Thanks to Jesus, we can live every single day with joy and peace in our hearts. What the world hands us is temporary and short-lived, but what Christ has offered to us is beyond all else and I'm grateful for this truth in my life! I'm grateful for the way God leads me to people who will encourage me and brighten up my day - constantly showing me his goodness and captivating love.

This is not at all what I was planning on writing about, but that's okay because I was still able to share God's goodness in my life! :)

I want to end this post with Psalm 23.

This was my grandmother's favourite Psalm. It has always meant a lot to me, but as I saw her rejoice in the truth of these words in her passing days, it has found an extra special place in my heart. I'm working on memorizing it and I encourage you to join me! It will probably take me a while since my memory isn't my forte, so don't worry if your memory is bad too! :)

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. 

He makes me lie down in green 

pastures.

He leads me beside still waters. 

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley

of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil, 

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff, 

they comfort me. 

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies; 

you anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows. 

Surely goodness and mercy shall

follow me

all the days of my life

and I shall dwell in the house of the 

Lord 

forever." 

Fruit of the Spirit [2/2/13]

Hello~

Finally, a week of madness is over! No more exams and tests... Until next week! haha. I finally have the chance to share a little bit with you all again :)

This morning as I was doing QT, I read Galatians 5:22-26.

It says:

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other." 

As I was reading this, I realized how important the fruit of Spirit must be because God specifically listed out each characteristic that qualifies as the fruit of the Spirit. It's also important to realize that the fruit is coming from the Holy Spirit and not from our own selves. Although we don't give ourselves these qualities, we still have to allow the Holy Spirit to work through and in us. God is so willing to change and mould us, but he can't do this if we are unwilling to be changed.

In John 15:5 Jesus says:

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." 

Just as the branches draw life from the vine, we as well draw our lives from Jesus. If the branch is separate from the vine, it can do nothing just as if we are separate from Jesus, we can do nothing.

I'm always amazed at how we always try to work and grow and live on our own when we're always reminded of how little we are able to do without Jesus! I'm sure we all know that we, on our own, have no strength, but we often forget to ask God for his guidance and his strength. 

I know that I personally rely on my own strength and knowledge to get through things... If I realize I can't do it on my own, I turn to other people, but why is it that I so often turn to God last? He has taught me this lesson over and over and over again, yet I am always making the same mistake! But God is so patient, loving and merciful... Even when we make the same mistakes over and over again, he so patiently teaches us the same lesson until we finally have it imprinted in our minds!

I pray that we will allow the Holy Spirit to work in us! I pray that we will let go of everything we don't need and allow God to be our everything as he is all we truly need.

Jesus, we thank you for your goodness, your glory, your patience and mercy.

Thanks for reading~

-kjoosaurus out!

Faithful to the End [01/22/13]

Hello everybody!

Wow, I can't believe it's almost the end of January and this is only my first post of 2013! The past two months have been incredibly busy but God has definitely been working in my life and in the lives of others around me. He has revealed so much to me and I wanted to share a bit of what has been revealed to me with all of you~

What are some things people of this world highly value? Money? Love? Objects? Food? Those answers are definitely all correct! Personally, I believe one of the things we value the most is comfort. In general, people want to live comfortably. They want to have a stable job that provides them with a stable income which provides them with gadgets, plenty of food, a comfortable home and room for even more spending. In fact, the goals many people set for themselves are often made to lead to a comfortable life! Get into the good school so that I can get that good job that has good pay.

People also seek comfort in other aspects of their lives such as the emotional part of their life. We don't want to live a life where we are constantly stressed out. We don't want to live a life where we are being persecuted, ridiculed and hated. We want to be loved, adored and admired. But is this what being a Christian is about? Is this what we should be seeking and pursuing?

In 2 Corinthians 11 and 12, Paul talks about the sufferings he has gone through. He mentions how he was constantly abused, how he was often hungry and often in danger. He then says at one point, when Satan had put a thorn in his flesh, he pleaded three times with God to take it away from him, but God said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (Chap. 12:9) In this verse, Paul is talking about how God is glorified through our own weaknesses and sufferings. He is able to reveal himself to others through our own struggles. Reading this verse made me wonder... When I'm struggling and when I'm weak, will I be glorifying God?

I want to share about a couple of martyrs I learned about recently. Their names are Perpetua and Felicity and their story takes place in Carthage. These two girls became Christians in a time when it was dangerous to become a Christian as Christians were being persecuted. It was more common to see the lower class (slaves) becoming Christians, but it was extremely rare to see anybody who was noble to become a Christian. Perpetua was one of those rare cases. Perpetua had everything she needed to live comfortably. Her father provided her with everything she needed, she was married and pregnant! But through Felicity, her slave, Perpetua became a Christian.

The story of Perpetua and Felicity is complex, but what happens in the end is that the two of them were killed in front of thousands of people. They were killed because they were Christians, but right until the end, they were faithful to God and glorified him even through their sufferings. They gave absolutely everything up to him and they were completely faithful to him from the beginning to the end.

When I learned about their story, I began to question my own faith. Am I faithful enough to God that I would give up everything I have just to glorify him? Do I have so much joy in glorifying him that I would go through a great deal of pain and suffering just for him to be glorified? The answers to those questions were no, but to be a faithful servant to God is what I desire. I want to live a life that glorifies him. I want to persist through my sufferings with joy just by knowing how my weakness is glorifying God! Instead of complaining to God about my struggles, I want to rejoice!

Wouldn't it be great to be as faithful as Paul, Perpetua and Felicity? I'll be praying that every one of us becomes as faithful as they are!

Thanks for reading~~

- kjoosaurus out! 

Missions [6/2/12]

Hello!

I hope you have all been well :) I know I haven't posted in too long... I apologize for this. These past few days were full of confusion and extremely busy for me. I recently committed to go to Turkey for missions this summer. It isn't set in stone yet, but I am beginning to train for missions, and a lot has happened in the past little while!

Today, I just wanted to share a bit about the thought process throughout days until today. It all began in Ottawa. A sister of mine was part of an organization called intercp. She is very involved with this organization and she had already gone on missions before; she told us stories of her trip to Iraq, and it made me become more and more curious about missions. She encouraged me to check out intercp when I got back to Vancouver, and she graciously put me in contact with some of the people who were involved!

When I arrived back in Vancouver, I was in contact with some of the leaders of intercp, but only through the phone. It wasn't until last Tuesday when I finally met for coffee with the em leader. It was then when I committed to go to Turkey for missions. I told him, "I will go to Turkey this summer, and I will make sure there is Vision School when I get back to Ottawa."

Wow. Those were big words coming from little old me. I'm not the kind of person who stops out of her comfort zone very much. I like to be in my cozy little bubble, and I have never stepped too far out of it. As soon as I realized what I had committed to, I became very, very scared. I didn't want to do it. There was too much at stake for me. I had so many obstacles to overcome, and I didn't want to put the effort into overcoming them. So, I started to hide from God. I began to go out with my friends a lot, I stopped writing this blog very regularly, and I immersed myself in worldly things. This last week, I rarely prayed, and I only read the bible on several occasions.

All of a sudden, I had gone from a girl who was doing nothing but looking for a job this summer, to a girl who was going to do God's work! Eep! What a change! But it made me begin to think... Is this why God wanted me to come home this summer? Did he want to give me this opportunity? Does he want me to do this? Well, this scared me even more. If God wants me to do something, and I tell him I'm going to do it, then that means I'm doing it. My friends were so excited for me! They were really hyping it up, but that scared me more and more. I didn't want to commit; I wanted to back out! But it wasn't until today, that I finally feel at peace.

You see, I forgot about why I wanted to do missions in the first place!

John 15:12-13

This is my commandment:
Love each other in the same way I have loved you.

There is no greater love than to lay down one's life

for one's friends.

God calls us to love others the way he loves us. To go to the unreached nations to tell them of God's love and bringing light to their darkness... That is showing them how we love them! It doesn't matter if they reject the words we speak; it doesn't matter if they hate us. We must love them; we must want for them to experience the glory and mercy of God! God feels so much sorrow to see them sin; he loves them deeply. He wants us to go out, and tell them how he loves them! He wants us to go out and tell them there is a way! He wants to use us to lead them to the path of righteousness! 

This is why I wanted to do missions. I want God to use me to lead these people to the path of righteousness. I want others to be able to experience the love of God just the way I have experience it! I was so focused on myself, but I pray God will make me selfless! There are people who need to hear the word of God, and we need to tell them the word of God! Oh, how he loves us. Let us love each other just the way he loved us! God's love is the true love. God's love is the greatest love of all! :) 

- kjoosaurus out!

God's will, not ours. [5/14/12]

Hello Hello!

kjoosaurus is back in business. I would like to thank all the mysterious authors who have been posting for me while I was in Korea. I think they did a fantastic job, and I hope God revealed things to them as they wrote :) My trip to Korea was a whole lot of fun! I went to learn Korean, and that didn't work out very well, but I had a very good time while I was there! The only thing I was shocked about was the vanity and materialism that consumes the country... But that is a story for another day!

Today, I would like to talk about something God has been teaching and showing me.

Hmmm. Where should I start. Okay, so I became friends with this one person a few years ago, called R (I'm using this since mysterious single-lettered names seem to have become a trend on this blog), and the two of us became very, very close. The only thing is, R is not a believer.

I didn't really care about R not being a believer because I was not at all focused on God at that time of my life. So, we had a very ungodly relationship, and other than coming to church with me sometimes, R had no experiences with God. But, as you know, I became very close to Christ while I was in Ottawa, and I actually came to realize how R was distracting me very much from building a relationship with Christ. So, at that time, I stopped talking to R very much, and I continued to build an amazing relationship with Christ.

Well, everything was going quite fine and dandy... Until I got home. R knew I was home, so R made a couple of visits to my home and things went downhill from there. You see, R is a very lonely person, and it hurt me to see my close friend be so alone. I wanted to be close with R again, but one thing R made very clear to me, was that there was no religion and no God to be a part of our relationship. R has never wanted to hear anything about God, but in the time we've been apart... This has become worse. Every time I mention anything about my wonderful God, R tunes out. So, just to please R, I stopped directly talking about God. Instead, I tried more subtle tactics (I am absolutely terrible at being subtle.) I prayed for R, and I tried to make R have a different perspective about God.

But, do you notice how I keep saying I? It was ME trying to do all the work. I was not at all letting God do the work. I was relying on my own power and knowledge to bring this dear friend to Christ.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.

You see, because of my desperation to help R find Christ, I forgot something very important. I forgot to trust God, and allow God to do all of the work with His power. I often find myself doing these things... It brings me so much sadness to see R be living life without Christ. To see somebody I love so much be living in such loneliness, and so much pain... It brings me quite a bit of heartache. But! I know God is working, and I'm most likely a distraction to R. God doesn't want me to try to take control... He doesn't want me to try to do any of the work. He wants me to hand R over to Him, and in time, R will be able to know the glory and mercy of God as well.

This isn't the only time I have tried to rely on my own knowledge and power. I often forget to rely solely on God. God has the most knowledge, and the most power. He knows exactly what is going on, and exactly what is going to happen. He just wants us to put our matters into His hands, and He will deal with them in His time. We just need to learn to let go of our habit of controlling things. It's definitely hard, but God hears our prayers. He's not sitting in Heaven with His ears plugged! He's listening to us, and he's always going to answer us! May we learn to trust the Lord, and not lean on our own understanding. :)

Thanks for reading my post tonight! I hope you are all doing well! God bless!

Here's the song I listened to while writing this post: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wp5PZuuB3Pg

Also, I wanted to share the video of my baptism with you all! Here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2ZAgSYH8oI

- kjoosaurus out! :) 

Spiritual Struggles [5/6/12]

Greetings all!

So today, I have very good news, and not so very good news.

This afternoon, I was finally baptized! Today, I publicly proclaimed my love for the Lord. I spoke of my struggles, and how God has been helping me overcome them. Together, with the church, we rejoiced! We sang out to our God, and we cried out words of praise to Him! It was a blessing to be baptized amongst such beautiful people. I will forever remember this glorious day.

Unfortunately, the devil hates this day.

He saw the group of us shouting out our love for the Lord, and he despised it. There is nothing more he would like to see than to see us fall, and go back on the words we declared. Although it has only been 10 hours since I was baptized, he has already attacked me.

For some reason, I felt lonely tonight. I kind of wanted to read the Word, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. So, I began to do other things. I watched a drama, and I tried to write this blog. But, for some reason, the right words just wouldn't come to my mind. I was originally going to write this post about baptism, but God wanted me to write about something else instead. Tonight, He showed me how weak I am without Him.

One thing about me is that I'm very emotional. My actions rely greatly on my emotions, and many times, my common sense is clouded by my emotions. Therefore, if my emotions are played with, things tend to become disastrous. Tonight, the devil really played on my jealousy and my need for physical touch. I don't want to go into detail about what happened, but as always, I want to be honest. The devil tempted me, and I fell for it.

He brought up my darkest, and most human, desires and he toyed with my emotions. I felt like the devil had really used me. I felt so weak, so worthless... This is the first time I have cried in months. (That's a very long time for me.) How could it be that hours after being baptized, I had already fallen? I talked to my Mom about this for a very long time. Why am I so weak? Why did God let me fall so soon? If I'm falling for the devil's tricks now, then how will I ever survive?

But, what God wanted me to do, was rely on Him.

I had been too confident. I didn't think the devil would ever attack me in this way or so soon. At the moment, all intentions had seemed so innocent. But, as I look back now, I see how every step was an obvious trick of the devil. He's trying to take me away from God again. He wants me to fall. He wants to see me stumble, and distance myself from God, but I'm not going to let this happen.

This is the first time I've fallen since I was baptized, but God is already picking me up so I can get back on my feet. Tonight, He showed me that I am very, very weak without Him. I was letting myself be over-confident. I was thinking I was strong, but this was slowly making me become independent from God, and dependent on myself.

1 Chronicles 16:11  Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually!

I had already forgotten to do this. I had been relying on my own strength, and because of this, I immediately became vulnerable. Right now, God is teaching me just how much I need to rely on Him. With Him, I can move mountains, without Him, I can do nothing! 

Please pray for me. Pray that I may continue to seek his strength. Even now, I know I am still weak. I know I am still vulnerable, and I know the devil is going to keep coming at me. But, I also know that no matter how much the devil tries to attack me, God will always triumph in the end. He is watching over us, and He is caring for us! 

I pray for strength, wisdom, and discretion. 

Thank you for reading my post tonight. God really wanted me to share about this with you all. I hope you will all seek his strength so that when temptations and struggles come, you will be able to cast them away in the name of God! God bless you all :) 

- kjoosaurus out!