Purpose [4/18/12]

Hello to all you beautiful people!

Isn't it crazy how quickly time flies? I can so clearly remember my first day in Ottawa... I can remember how my hair became a huge frizz ball because of the difference in the weather from Vancouver, I remember moving into my room and waiting in anticipation of seeing my roommate for the first time, I remember waiting in line to figure out which room I would be in. But, that was eight months ago! Eight whole months have gone by since I moved to Ottawa, and in that time, I've changed so much as a person. I've learned so much, and my eyes have been opened to so many new things.

One thing that has changed in my life, is the purpose of my life. Before I came to know Christ, I don't think I had much of a purpose... My goals were steered towards education, a successful career, and a comfortable lifestyle. This was everything I was striving for; I wanted to be well-off, but then as I came to know Christ, I began to question this. What would happen if I DID become well-off and fulfill all of my "goals"? I would just breathe, work, live, and then what? Once I completed everything I wanted, what would be the purpose? Well, now that I think of it, there would be none. Those were such shallow, worldly, and selfish goals. All I wanted was for ME to live comfortably, or for ME to be happy... But I didn't think beyond that.

When I came to know Christ, I became passionate about so much more. I now want to serve him! I want to get to know him! I want to be with him! Things have drastically changed; my life is full of meaning because of my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Although I have discovered these things, there are still certain aspects I struggle with.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Like I was talking about yesterday, God has plans for us, and we don't know what they are. We know they are for good, but we still don't know what they are. The part I struggle with, is when I can't see God using me. I so badly want to serve him, and have him use me to do his work, but there are times when I feel so USELESS. Even recently, I've been in situations where I just wish God would put the right words in my mouth, I pray that he would fill me with wisdom and knowledge to be able to reach out to other people, but I don't see it happening.

The most recent situation was where a friend of mine was feeling down. I wanted to help so badly, but I just didn't know what to say. I was praying that the Holy Spirit would work through me to reach out to this friend. I wanted to be the person God used to guide them, but this didn't happen. I went home feeling sad, and useless. I kept thinking and thinking. I wondered to myself, "When is God ever going to use me?" I was sitting there, and I was ready. I was ready for him to take control and use me to do his work. But, I wasn't seeing anything.

I kept wondering about this, and wondering why God wasn't using me. The more I thought about it, the more I didn't understand. But then, He revealed something to me. He showed me how although I was wanting to help a friend, my desires were actually selfish. The reason why is because I was seeking attention. I wanted people to compliment me for being such a good friend; I wanted people to consider me somebody with extremely wise words. I wasn't seeking God's glory, but my own. As God revealed this to me, I became so ashamed and embarrassed. I even hesitated to write about this on my blog, but I wanted to be honest. I have often struggled with my pride. Ever since I was young, I would seek compliments and attention from my peers. I would like to think I have become more humble, but I know I'm still struggling with my pride.

Proverbs 11:2 says, "Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."

I'm praying and praying that the Lord would help me become humble. Being prideful is such an unattractive quality, and the Lord crowns the humble with salvation! I praise the Lord for bringing me to where I am now! In the short time I have gotten to know him, I realize he has taught me so much... He has guided me through everything and he is moulding me right now! As he moulds me, he is unraveling his plan for me. We all have such amazing purposes! We are all of use to God, but we must be patient. Just because we can't see what he's doing, doesn't mean he isn't doing anything! I praise God for giving me such a phenomenal purpose in my life. He has given my life so much meaning!

Thanks for reading my blog!! Here's the song I listened to while writing this post: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdq9Q8wJdjc

-kjoosaurus out!