Spiritual Struggles [5/6/12]

Greetings all!

So today, I have very good news, and not so very good news.

This afternoon, I was finally baptized! Today, I publicly proclaimed my love for the Lord. I spoke of my struggles, and how God has been helping me overcome them. Together, with the church, we rejoiced! We sang out to our God, and we cried out words of praise to Him! It was a blessing to be baptized amongst such beautiful people. I will forever remember this glorious day.

Unfortunately, the devil hates this day.

He saw the group of us shouting out our love for the Lord, and he despised it. There is nothing more he would like to see than to see us fall, and go back on the words we declared. Although it has only been 10 hours since I was baptized, he has already attacked me.

For some reason, I felt lonely tonight. I kind of wanted to read the Word, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. So, I began to do other things. I watched a drama, and I tried to write this blog. But, for some reason, the right words just wouldn't come to my mind. I was originally going to write this post about baptism, but God wanted me to write about something else instead. Tonight, He showed me how weak I am without Him.

One thing about me is that I'm very emotional. My actions rely greatly on my emotions, and many times, my common sense is clouded by my emotions. Therefore, if my emotions are played with, things tend to become disastrous. Tonight, the devil really played on my jealousy and my need for physical touch. I don't want to go into detail about what happened, but as always, I want to be honest. The devil tempted me, and I fell for it.

He brought up my darkest, and most human, desires and he toyed with my emotions. I felt like the devil had really used me. I felt so weak, so worthless... This is the first time I have cried in months. (That's a very long time for me.) How could it be that hours after being baptized, I had already fallen? I talked to my Mom about this for a very long time. Why am I so weak? Why did God let me fall so soon? If I'm falling for the devil's tricks now, then how will I ever survive?

But, what God wanted me to do, was rely on Him.

I had been too confident. I didn't think the devil would ever attack me in this way or so soon. At the moment, all intentions had seemed so innocent. But, as I look back now, I see how every step was an obvious trick of the devil. He's trying to take me away from God again. He wants me to fall. He wants to see me stumble, and distance myself from God, but I'm not going to let this happen.

This is the first time I've fallen since I was baptized, but God is already picking me up so I can get back on my feet. Tonight, He showed me that I am very, very weak without Him. I was letting myself be over-confident. I was thinking I was strong, but this was slowly making me become independent from God, and dependent on myself.

1 Chronicles 16:11  Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually!

I had already forgotten to do this. I had been relying on my own strength, and because of this, I immediately became vulnerable. Right now, God is teaching me just how much I need to rely on Him. With Him, I can move mountains, without Him, I can do nothing! 

Please pray for me. Pray that I may continue to seek his strength. Even now, I know I am still weak. I know I am still vulnerable, and I know the devil is going to keep coming at me. But, I also know that no matter how much the devil tries to attack me, God will always triumph in the end. He is watching over us, and He is caring for us! 

I pray for strength, wisdom, and discretion. 

Thank you for reading my post tonight. God really wanted me to share about this with you all. I hope you will all seek his strength so that when temptations and struggles come, you will be able to cast them away in the name of God! God bless you all :) 

- kjoosaurus out!