People and Love [5/12/12]

Hellooo it's another bloggity! This time it's from W! Heheh.

It'll probably be Mother's Day by the time most of you read this, so happy Mother's Day!

I hope many of you have shown your love and respect for your mom today! Even though

you should be doing this everyday... Myself included of course. (:

Okay, so I've been sitting in front of my computer screen for a while now.. I don't know what to write.  Sooo I'm just gonna tell you about myself.  

I've been thinking about the concept of love for quite some time now, and I still can't really understand it, let alone "feel it." Well, maybe I do feel it, but because I don't understand it, I don't know if I'm feeling it.. lol I hope that made sense. 

As I kept thinking about it, an important question came to mind.  Why don't I understand it?

And I'm sure most people would feel the same way, as love has always been tricky to us.

But for me, I may have found a reason to my difficulty with understanding love and loving others.  And it roots back to my days in high school..  I don't really like to talk about it, but maybe it might help you..somehow..

First, I'll tell you about me before high school.  I was a very popular kid, I was always the leader of my group of friends, I dated the "hottest" person (lol trying to be ambiguous here) at school.  Basically, everybody liked me.

But when I got into high school, I suddenly went into a deep depression.. I lost the desire to be around people and stopped hanging out with my friends, and I simply stopped talking altogether, even with my family.  And so I lost a lot of my friends from middle school, and I couldn't really make new friends either.  I felt very lonely, on top of feeling hopeless and worthless.  I felt I had lost everything.  Everyday, it was a struggle just to wake up knowing that there wasn't going to be anything in it that would give me some form of hope or joy. But what really shattered my heart was that nobody seemed to care.  I had gone from such a lively and joyful person to being a person that was absolutely miserable; so miserable that the torment of being depressed even led to thoughts of being no more.. But no one seemed to care.. Not even my family, my school friends, nor friends from church.  All I wanted to hear was for someone to ask me, "Hey, are you okay? How are you doing?"  Was it so much to ask? Just those simple words would've sufficed for me to know that someone out there somehow cared for me.  But it only became a fantasy.. The two years of such torment nearly killed me..  How could my own family not care?  Not even my friends.. Not even Christians at church, who I thought was supposed to be all about caring for other people.. And so I lost all hope and faith in people.. They seemed not able to love others.  And I think this is the reason why I'm still skeptical about love and have a hard time embracing it.

I know one thing's for sure though.  And it is that God's love always endures and is mighty to save.  When I simply couldn't bear it anymore, I prayed to God desperately to take my pain away.  I told Him that I couldn't take it anymore.. I've never prayed so desperately in my life.  And the next day, I began to feel better. I felt hope. He really touched my heart and gave me hope in Him to save me from my troubles.  His love never fails.  His love was mighty enough to die for His people.  I know what love is because of what Jesus did for me. But what is the love that people are capable of? Are we capable? If so, it must be through Jesus.. I don't know, I'm still having trouble figuring it out.  I hope God will show me one day what it looks like, and how it feels. And  I hope that He'll show me through a person.. So I could have faith in people..and in myself. That we really are capable of love.  And well, I've already begun to believe that we are capable.  I am starting to see it in certain people :)  And well, I believe it is only through Jesus that we are able :) Yes. I believe it! Lol. You've just witnessed my thought process..  

I'm going to keep praying for God to put His love in my heart, so that I can love others.

Oh, and another thought! Maybe what I went through was just a glimpse of the pain that God went through because of how much people hated Him, their Creator, who loved them...who loves us.. But anyways, it's getting late so I'm gonna hit the hay! lol who says that anymore..

Thanks for reading :) I hope it meant something to you.

1 John 4:19

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁹ We love because he first loved us.